Elisa is a training partner and student of Masterskya. She has trained for several years before training with us, and we are extremely proud to have her. Together with Jonathan Viera, she helps organize free classes for Veterans in our Downtown Brooklyn location. Also, she is an active competitor and had her first super fight in Rise over the summer. Please read her post below:

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu has every type of person imaginable.  Anywhere from the people that grew up as the “loser kid” that wouldn’t get picked in gym class (me), to the busy bjj hobbyist that barely has time to think about BJJ when he/ she isn’t in class (also me), to the longtime athlete/ jock who’s paving his/her way through the belts at a fierce, athletic and rapid pace.  

      Many talk about BJJ and confidence building, especially for women.  I must stress that confidence does not get built unless the sport is used for the right reasons and in the right ways.  A healthy minded person will take a healthy activity and thrive in it. An ill mind, however, will take that same “healthy” activity and self destruct with it.  Poor self esteem and depression breed compulsions. Compulsions to search for approval, win medals/ praise, as well as trying to find a sense of self worth.  

      I cannot speak for everyone, but my five years in BJJ had me wondering, is this counterproductive to my needs?  They say to work at this and gain confidence, but my mind seems to be decomposing. Why do I often hate myself more? Why are there times BJJ is barely enjoyable and I’m drag assing to the gym?  It was much more fun in the beginning, when I didn’t know any better. Everyone knows what I’m talking about… those precious naive white belt days where every submission you learn you feel like you’re on top of the world.  And every blue belt you “almost” get to tap feels like a win (even though realistically they were going easy on you).  

     There were many external and internal factors that caused my self esteem issues to worsen before I even came close to starting to make mental improvements in BJJ.  Let’s start with the external. Being a woman in a gym full of men. Hands down it needs to be the first thing mentioned, and I promise I’m not trying to sound Feminazi by any means!  Men have their own unique struggles that I will never take away from them. But the reality is, we women aren’t blessed with excess testosterone and we are in a male dominated close contact grappling sport.   I know, I know, it’s all about technique…. But you see, that’s not relevant in the first 2-3 years when you barely know shit and you are literally getting smothered all day everyday by bigger stronger people with around the same or better technique.  (In the end it made me stronger and I’m happy I learned to embrace that suck) 

     Another factor, again I was the “loser kid” in gym class, not being picked.  Like a flashback from the olden days. I recall not several, but the MAJORITY of training sessions not being picked for live training.  Avoided for.. whatever reason. Wouldn’t be fair for me to assume why. Many nudged me to become more aggressive and speak out to get my rolls.  Okay will do! Oh how quickly avoidance turned to rejection. “No I’m

Tired”. “No im rolling with I’m..(eyeballs start desperately scanning the room) that guy!”  

“Nah I’m injured” (then proceeds to roll with someone else).  Okay so fuck me then!!! It took roughly 3-4 years for this pattern to start breaking.  Another important note, also took finding the right gym! 

      Then there was the body image issues (internal and external) and struggling with an eating disorder.  Surrounded by many men and some women with amazing six packs, and cardio for days. (I was always stupidly comparing)  Every competition I prepped for the dreaded question came up “are you cutting weight?” “How much weight do you need to lose”.  I used to resort to very unhealthy measures to keep up with a “fit body” and make a difficult small weight class for my frame. Every class gave me anxiety as I changed outfits multiple times and was overly concerned with my appearance.  There were multiple times I chose covering my belly over defending a submission & had to tap. Talk about self sabotage! Sometimes when I happened to lose a match in competition, it was accompanied with comments such as “you just need to fight at a lower weight class”, “Those girls looked more fit than you”.  Truthfully this was a hard one to break out of. But results do not lie. The reality is I have in fact beat a girl who was 40 pounds heavier than me. I also lost to a girl who was 25 pounds lighter than me. This was not an uncommon theme and I finally said “fuck weigh ins!” and weight pressure at the 4 year mark of my career. 

      Now for the internal factors.  And there is truly only 1 major issue that I must mention, it set the precedence for all future depressive episodes due to competition losses:  “I had to win”. Winning was all that mattered. I wasn’t respecting the journey, or the time on the mat or the technique. Pressure to win destroyed everything.  Why did I need to win so badly? Winning felt addictive, and I had it in my head that it meant I was “worthy” for once in my life. Loss, however, caused me to burn inside with self hatred, shame, envy followed by sulking for days to weeks.  

      Always always always.  I’m a fuck up, bjj showed all my mistakes.  It exposed my clumsiness, it exposed my naivety and my vulnerabilities.  It exposed my lack of self confidence. But, It also exposed my toughness, my tenacity and my refusal to quit.  It gave me something to be proud of, win lose or draw. Good day on the mat, bad day on the mat or average day on the mat, I am still a grappler.  No incident or bad day will take away from what I’ve gained from the sport or the amount of work I put into it.  

  ***   When self esteem is at its worst in BJJ, ironically, that means we are doing it right.  And we are on the brink of a new discovery. Self Discovery. Self discovery can lead to this increased self esteem if we remember to practice unconditional self-acceptance.  Daily affirmations and an insanely stubborn will to keep on keeping on. I realized that I too am a grinder. Even when I’m lazy and tired as hell, I still grind. Work, military, college, volunteering, hobbies (such as writing), training.. all while battling mental illness daily! ***

      The reality is I wanted to quit several times.  But many nervous breakdowns later I had a huge epiphany just earlier in the year.  I finally said “enough! I’m done”. I’m done hating myself, I’m done insulting myself.  I’m just done. I will do what I love to do from now on with no more unnecessary self hatred because… what the hell for?!  I am always doing my best.  

     As I reflect on my five year journey and ponder on my new mystical more positive self esteem… I realize it is not mystical at all.  My self esteem deserves to improve due to BJJ! I have been through some shit on this journey already. Choked to the point of passing out in competition, countless brutal Gi and Nogi sessions, 18 BJJ competitions and counting, weight maintenance, forcing huge linebacker sized dudes to work up a sweat when trying to pass my guard or submit me (this means I am learning self defense too!  My #1 goal), and most importantly doing my best to be a good training partner for those around me. The community and the friends I’ve made certainly go a long way.  

     My verdict: BJJ can in fact improve self esteem, if we embrace the journey for what it is.  Ups and downs and lefts and rights. We must ride the waves and remember to be present in doing so.  Seriously, I’m 30 now and time is flying. As of now, I choose to be proud of what I’ve done and what I continue to do in this sport.  I choose to laugh at the things I used to cry over. I choose to see it all as a beautiful learning experience. I choose to be proud that I get my lazy dragging depressed ass to the gym multiple days a week despite my work and family demands, because I remember how vital this sport is to my self esteem and mental well being.  How do we keep this up? There is no magical pill or quick fix or perfect way of being, there is persistence. Patience will be your biggest virtue and shame will be your biggest enemy. Happy Rolling! And always remember, there is no shame when you are stepping on those mats! 

Elisa Escalante/ LMSW/ BJJ blue belt